Speech from Women's Coffeehouse 2012

As promised, here's my speech for those out-of-staters who couldn't make it!  Call me crazy, but I had a blast speaking in front of over 500 women, even if I did cry most of the way through it.  ;)  Enjoy!

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 Have you ever noticed that moms know everything?  If this is true for the average mom, it is infinitely true for MY mom. To illustrate my point: two full years before I even had feelings for my now-husband, Kerry, my parents were visiting church one Sunday when she boldly approached him and referred to him as, quote, “her future son-in-law.” Mortified, I told her later she was “seriously ruining my life.” Fast forward a few years: I was 10 weeks along in my first pregnancy and my mom said, “You're definitely having twins. Twin boys. I'm calling them Jack and Tom.” As if getting pregnant two months after I got married wasn't a recipe for anxiety, the thought of having twins definitely was, especially when you consider the fact that, because my husband and I weren't planning to be pregnant right away, we had not added me to his insurance. My due date was June 21^st. We could enroll me for his insurance to begin on June 1^st and absolutely no earlier, said the insurance representative. Twins usually come early, and if I was, in fact, having twins and they did, in fact, come early, they'd be uninsured. NICU bills with no insurance was not exactly something I was looking forward to.

When it was confirmed at 21 weeks along that I was indeed having twin boys, I did what anyone in my position would do: I printed off bright orange bookmarks containing 5 specific prayer requests and handed them out to 150 people, thinking, “Surely God will listen to me now!”

The prayer requests included:

That the boys would be born after June 1^st, 2010/37 weeks

That I won't have to have a C-section

That they would each weigh 6 pounds or more

That they would home from the hospital after 3 days

That they would not be in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU)

On April 30^th, 2010, at 32 ½ weeks along, I had a C-section and delivered two beautiful boys: Emerson, weighing 5lbs3oz and Oakley, weighing 4lbs8oz. They were in the NICU for 21 days.

Every one of my prayer requests was denied. Every single one of them. They were born almost 8 weeks early and nowhere near our June 1^st insurance deadline. They were less than 6 pounds and they were in the hospital for 3 weeks, not 3 days. I was utterly devastated. Until that moment in my life, I never had any problems believing God was good. Prior to this time, I knew that He was good and, even during difficult times, I didn't question His goodness. But now my heart raged after God. I was angry. I was confused. I was disappointed. I felt neglected, forgotten. I felt like God was trying to “teach me a lesson” and used my firstborn sons to do so. I felt embarrassed that I asked the whole world to pray with me and God didn't come through. He let me down big time on one of the most important events of my entire life and I really began to question His goodness.

It was then that I became very familiar with Psalm 42, what I affectionately refer to as “The Depression Psalm”. Here are just a few parts of it: “My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me, 'Where is your God?' Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become so disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence. .. The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime; and His song will be with me in the night, a prayer to the God of my life. I will say to God my Rock, 'Why have You forgotten me? Why do I go on mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?' Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become so disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God.” Each day, as I sat with my preemies in the NICU, in between finding time to eat, pump, and entertain our visitors, I would read Psalm 42-- read it and weep, that is. I could so relate with the feeling of being forgotten by God, and I hated the sense of disturbance I had within me. I regularly urged my soul, as the Psalmist does, to hope in God.

The boys had been alive for exactly 5 days when I turned to my husband and said, “What are we going to do?” He knew what I meant, which was, “How are we going to pay for these bills?” In the end, those 21 days in the NICU cost about $200,000. Now, that's a drop in the bucket compared to our national debt, but to two young people with student loans and a mortgage, not to mention a couple kids, it was an unfathomable amount of money to have to repay. He replied, ever so faithfully, “We will trust the Lord. I do not know of anything else.”

I thought to myself, “Oh, that's just swell. Trust the Lord, who has proven Himself soooooo incredibly good to us in the last few days?! Sounds like a great plan, honey!” For those of you who know me, you know that sometimes just keeping my mouth shut is quite the feat. The fact that I only thought this and didn't say it out loud is more than what I can say for other times of my life... :)

Literally minutes after that conversation, my husband got a phone call. He answered it and on the other end received congratulations from our insurance representative, the one who told us over and over again our coverage would begin June 1^st no matter what. She said, “So, now that your wife has delivered the boys, you qualify under what we call a 'life-changing event' and we can insure Kayla, Emerson and Oakley beginning April 30^th, the day they were born.”

My internal reaction went something like this: You have GOT to be kidding me. We have definitely gone rounds with you guys about any possible way to get us insured in case they were born early, and now you're telling me it's as easy as that?!

Yep, it pretty much was. The Lord took care of all the $200,000 in hospital bills in one way or the other and we ended up paying only $1,000 out of pocket. We didn't have to sell our house, take on a third job, or live on rice and beans till it was paid off. God just wrote it all off and said, “Don't worry... I got this.”

For the Lord to be that gracious to a self-centered, unbelieving child such as I is truly remarkable. He used my negative reaction to His choice to say “no” to all my prayer requests to highlight His goodness-- “Kayla, I will take care of you, no matter what. No matter how you feel or what you can't see, or if you believe Me or not, there is not one single detail of your life that I am not concerned about. I am Good and all My ways are good. Trust Me, Kayla. Hope in Me, Kayla. I will NEVER let you down.”

I am one of the Lord's redeemed- one He has redeemed from the enemy's hand. I thank the Lord, for He is soooooo good! His lovingkindness lasts forever! If you are wise, please-- pay attention to these things and consider the Lord's acts of faithful love to me!

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October, November, December, January, and my Major Life Lesson

(I have to summarize this all in an hour's time! Ahh!)

Baby Poucher, our littlest Pumpkin, is due May 15^th, 2013. Fetal morphology was perfect and we are waiting to find out the gender till the birth! Yay!

Halloween: Wow! I wasn't allowed to Trick or Treat growing up(I respect my parents' decision for it, but Kerry and I have chosen something else for our own kids) so this was only my second time going. We had Buzz and Woody as tag-alongs for the night. It was a blast, especially south of Grand with Mimi and Papa Jack!

Baby “Izzybetta” is born!:

Emerson and Oakley call their very first cousin, my littlest brother Zach, and his wife, Molly's baby Isabella, “Izzybetta.” She was born just before Thanksgiving and they sang happy birthday to her about every hour for the first few weeks she was alive. Isabella is about the most perfect little girl you could imagine: she never cries and sleeps very well. I'm praying she has a good influence on our little one...

Thanksgiving in Wisconsin:

My grandpa Larry got to see the boys for the second time ever, and of course, they loved going down to the lake... to throw rocks! :)  We also got to meet my cousin, Nicholas' little guy, Connor, for the first time!  I wish we lived closer to him... the boys talk about him all the time now.  My brother Jacob couldn't be home for Christmas so he gave the boys their presents then. Guitars!!!! Our hosue is a constant chorus of “Bwess the Lord, oh my soul! Ooooooooooh my soul! Worship His Hoooooooolyyy name!”

And the beginning of our 21 (yes, you read correctly-- twenty-one day vacation in December) and the MAJOR lesson I learned during that time:

Day 1:

Minnesota- I threw a baby/bridal shower for my sisters-in-law. Emily and Richard are having their first baby in February and Alyssa married Paul on January 5^th.

Day 2:

Arrive in Exuma, Bahamas with Kerry's parents, siblings, et al. High temp: 82F and perfect! I've been to the Caribbean a number of times before but have never seen such gorgeous, turquoise water as on the beaches of this small island. The photos don't even come close. Highlights of the trip-- the boys enjoyed the water each and every day, but particularly the day we rented a motorboat and toured the ocean. We kayaked, swam in the beachside pool, rented scooters for the day-- it was glorious. We were at an “End of the World Party” on Dec 21 when all of the sudden, the lights in the ENTIRE city go out for well over a few minutes. Let's just say, we all thought for a moment the Mayans may have been on to something.

Day 6:

Leave Exuma, Bahamas.

Day 7:

Drive to Wisconsin. High temp: 23F and perfect! We went on a horse drawn sleigh ride with my mom's side of the family (who came from as far as Arizona and Texas) over the river and through the woods in the beautiful snow! It was absolutely one of the most glorious transitions ever-- sandy white beaches to snow white fields.

Day 9:

Christmas day!

Day 12:

Kerry and I leave the boys with my parents to drive to Omaha, Nebraska for our annual Faithwalkers conference. Emerson was diagnosed the day before with a double ear infection, so I had a really hard time saying goodbye. We prayed he'd sleep through the night. My mom called the next day to say he slept from 9pm-7am straight. I nearly cried I was so relieved.

Day 15:

Kerry and I drive back to Minnesota, where my parents had dropped off E&O with my in-laws before they watched the Vikings whoop the Packers in the Metrodome. We stayed the whole week with Jack and Julie and tried to help (slash, not hinder) the wedding prep process for their eldest by going to the Mall of America for some Toddler Tuesday ride deals.  :)

Day 20:

Auntie Alyssa marries the incredible Uncle Paul. Let me just say, the boys have been calling him “Unko Paw” since they started dating, so we were pretty satisfied it worked out. ;) Paul is the exact kind of man Kerry had been praying for his big sister to marry for the last 7 years at least, so it was very special to see everyone's dreams come true. The Lord provides! The ceremony was very special, and I cried most of the way through it. Best part by far: Paul and Alyssa wrote letters to their parents, which the pastor read aloud, thanking them for their faithfulness to each other over the years and for not giving up on their marriages. In a country where 50% of marriages end in divorce, it was a very true sentiment that had the whole house in tears.

Day 21:

Drive to Des Moines. As we pull up to our house, Oakley, my ever-social little guy, starts bawling: “But I don't WANNA go HOOOOOOOOOOOME!!!!!!!!”

And now, for my MAJOR LIFE LESSON LEARNED:

If you've followed my blog (this one and my old one which has disappeared into the abyss), you know I have a bit of an anger problem. It is shameful, and I hate it.

But, you know what? I went 21 DAYS without YELLING!

Why?

I knew I was being watched. For 21 days, I was around people, people I wasn't willing to disappoint. I knew I'd be held accountable for my actions, so I behaved well.

The FIRST DAY WE WERE HOME, I yelled. Ugh!!!! That made me more mad than whatever I was mad at.

While explaining this to my husband, I said, “I clearly don't take seriously the fact that God sees everything I do and that I WILL be held accountable for it when I stand before Him someday. If I viewed Him like I did everyone else we were around, I wouldn't yell. It's like I don't actually believe He's there.”

Kerry replied, “Maybe memorizing Matthew 12:33-37 would help.”

“Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.” (emphasis added)

I have been on another no-yelling streak ever since. That's not to say I haven't shown frustration, but Kerry has been very helpful to encourage me that God is pleased with progress and doesn't expect perfection. Thank you, Jesus!

And, with that, I end this update. [sigh of relief]